If you listen to or read the internet in the last two years it has been littered with comments on how horrible of an ego men have and from what i have read, its true. I think the idea of thought of hurting a women because she rejected me, or didn’t want to date me, or broke up with me is horrible. What I also find disturbing is the narrative many women attach to these stories “had it been me, i would have done…..”.

They are misguided and operating in a vacuum of concept and ideology. See the narrative they are trying to spend is that women don’t have an ego and would never be turned off by being rejected and any man that has been in a relationship with a woman knows better than to believe that for a second. When a woman puts on clothes in front of you and asks if shes looks fat it doesn’t matter if that tube top look like a choker, you better say she looks just fine. Her ego won;t accept the truth and she will either rip you a new one or guilt you into saying she looks great through emotional manipulation.

Women rarely if every approach a man at a bar or bookstore and strike up a conversation in an attempt to get him number or to know him. If they did they would understand the process, fear, and after feelings of rejection. Matter of fact guys take a step back and ladies remember when you were a high schooler and saw the “hottest guy” in school and thought to yourself h would never go out with you? you giggled everytime you saw him and all that. Consider the one time you decided to make you play and he pushed you off, said “ewww,” and embarrassed you in front the entire school. You would want to die from the shame. There are some men who deal with this type of reaction everytime they just say hello and good morning.

In my life when I was a teenager and i would attempt to talk to girls, i would always be polite say hello ask a name and all the introductions and then when I ask for the number i would get “ewwww, no, your fat ass………..” now consider this in a full train station where it is echoing off the walls and now you have to get on the train with these people. Did she have to do all that? nope as polite as I was a simple i am not interested would have been fine.

This other time there was a girl at my school, who literally would flirt with me when we were solo, hell there times when we were in band class and the only ones in the side room we would send the whole class kissing and feeling up a storm. I tried to make my move, not only did she turn me down in the loudest rudest manner who told the whole school and it spread like bad candy. These are times where you want to say something bad but men are encouraged to charge their negative emotions to the game.

Conversely we never address what women do, i have a good friend who many women find attractive. We hand out shoot the breeze pretty often but he is married. when a woman approaches him, he may speak but he keeps the fact he is married in the forefront. I heard more than one woman leave our table remarking “he must be gay” i would consider that ego or i heard the “he must have a small dick” again ego. I mean there is no reality where he may want to be faithful to his wife and he sees taking a number from a strange woman as a violation? See because they don’t face rejection often they spew toxic, tired, and ugly things like that and no one checks them. Mainly because in this climate you can’t as a man and most woman who have egos are cheering this mess along. So before you think that man has an ego that is not needed check yourself before one day you are on the end of a reality check you didn’t consider.

I think I have unlocked one of the biggest issues of our society right now, Forgiveness.  I know I know you are super puzzled but let me take you one layer deeper into the rabbit hole.. the problem of forgiveness is rooted in the issue of FEAR! BOOM!!

Okay let me explain it all to you from the bottom, We all have an association with fear from a scary movie, a parent a punishment, whatever. the thing about fear is the it is usually used to prevent us from making the same mistake again i.e. touching a hot pot on the stove, now we check to see if its on.  In this new climate we have an even closer association with fear and that can range from fear of missing out to fear of being hurt again. Here is the problem with that fear it is turning into a place where we are unwilling to give anything a second chance. We are unwilling to try, unwilling to experience again and unwilling to forgive. The United States used to be known as the land of second chances, now you barely get a first chance. I get it one misstep can be dire for someone, i understand that, but you have to remember we all didn’t grow up the same, a misstep in your universe might be a small pebbled in mine. This is where forgiveness and communication comes into play.

Now our fear because of our experiences usually have us in a place where we don’t wan to experience an action again, so now our existence is all about avoiding pain. The way this is done is by keeping people on a short cord, for example one mistake and you ghost them without even explanation and it is justified because you want to protect yourself. Here is the thing, you could have protected yourself in another way by sitting the person down and explaining to them you have certain issues or even going into a doctors office and seeking help to reach a middle ground where you can look at and evaluate actions in a more neutral way. See we don;t seek neutral because of our fear of change and of failure.  Now this leads back to the problem of forgiveness, we are so broken, so hurt that carrying hurt is now popular. Look at the trend in the music and move industry of revealing trauma right before a new record of movie comes out. They never really say how they dealt with or are dealing with it and you want to know why…..there is a stigma about getting help and dealing with life from a mental and emotional healthy place. So on one hand we will tell you hurt people hurt people but then we won’t seek help.

Now here is the thing this fear ensures we don;t have forgiveness and this lack of forgiveness translates to the public and the cancel culture. We don’t even entertain the idea these people should be forgiven, have learned a lesson, and are in a better place. The people who are in the middle ground, who are open to forgiveness say they need it to be proven to them but never explain how that happens, they say they would just know. So what people need to know is how to approach forgiveness. so here are some tips:

First take responsibility for your part… even if it someone you don’t know ask yourself..”am I being fair or am I biased here?”

Second are you willing to let it go? You have to ask yourself if it is even possible to let the incident go?

third let go of resentments you have feel some type of way and know that there is a problem, so let it all go. release.

fourth approach the person and communicate your issues and wrongs you felt were done to you.

fifth explain what you need from them.

these are loose of course but they are bare bones and I hope they can provide you with a direction to move forward and be a more complete person.

I wrote about this subject previously and you can check that out here  there maybe others but I am sure you just check the tags to be sure.

Since then I have seen a few things and learned a few things. One of the things I have learned is that this is not a balance of two superpowers when it comes to communication, this is a heavyweight and a light weight. While yes I am well aware there needs to be a change and a level of understanding and validation it needs to go both ways. Let me explain what is happening right now.

In most cases, there are some outliers here and there or some voices louder than others and your experiences may vary.

HeteroMen: Trying to understand the landscape, often going to far as it relates to not offend but since they have no pathway other than “don”t be a douche” they are the blind.

Hetreowomen: spending a lot of time reminding men how hurt they are, how trash men are, and how its not their responsibility to help in figuring out how to navigate.

Big problem here is if the world is broken, then  don;t both sides need to change in an effort to fix all the things broken?

See there has to be a pathway opened by both parties i.e. when you are not in the mood or best place to talk then be willing to walk away not yell your way through conversations and put someone down because winning and being heard is more important than having the conversation.

Part of the reason we are not having these conversations and having successful ones is because we have having long distance relationships in person. I know I know You are probably scratching your heads but consider this when was the last time you had a full fledged meaningful conversation with your partner or a friend not over text or IM? There are people who would be in the couch next to each other watching a show and as opposed to saying “Hey I love you” they would text it to their partner. I personally deal with more women than anyone else but I Know this can be examined and proven in other relationships.

Going back to an earlier point of creating comfortable places to have conversations. What most women don;t know about men is that when they were little boys all their heard was “be a man, don’t cry” “big boys don’t cry” or something or the sort. So now as grown men expressing their emotions is complicated and complex. Now some men come into these relationships with women who grew up the same way and treat the man when he is trying to share how he feels like an inconvenience, afterthought, or he doesn’t have the right to feel anything. So this is a continuation of the same cycle from when he was a kid. Lets take it a step further in this climate there is so much attention paid to mental and emotional health yet alot of the emotional toxic behavior is exhibited by the women who are closest to us men. Ladies consider being in a heated discussion with your mate and using that deep insecurity just to shut him down or up, he told you something in confidence and from a place of trusting you to take care of his emotions and to win an argument you violated it. There is no coming back, no unringing a bell, and the funny thing is it would have been easy to just take a step back and say you will come back to it later.  This sis where communication falls off at. Trust me this is not limited to women a lot of men do this all the same, they gaslight and play victim.

I would encourage you to first do the homework and understand your triggers and why they are triggers. Next to do the work to solve the problem, the root of those triggers. Try to adopt new techniques to handle yourself emotionally and to respond in a better way. When you see your partner remember you love them and they are not an enemy and should not be treated as such, even if they act like that towards you. You can always walk away and try again another day. Lastly setting new boundaries or standards so you can control yourself emotionally is perfectly okay and encouraged.

One bonus tip: maybe this is cliche or whatever but i was looking at an episode of how I met your mothers and two of the characters Lilly and Marshall literally would call time out in the middle of arguments. They would pause it, do the other stuff they need to do and come back to the argument. I know I know I know its fiction.

so

Bonus tip 2: This is one I used, I called it therapy.. when enacted by either party it was just like a therapy session without the person in the middle. Both people can say whatever without the fear of judgement and the real work to fix the emotions and everything attached to it would be done in that moment. Before everything is closed  you ask to ensure the person feels validated, heard, understood, and got everything out and then together you close the session. If you feel you need tips on validation check out this post.

Be easy people

 

If you are anything like me, you have been in a few relationships. As you move out of the teens and early 20’s relationships become deeper, more meaningful and even more impactful. As much as I thought I handled things above board, fair, and a balance of emotional and logical, I was failing in one area. This area is the one love language everyone should speak, Validation. Validation is a subset of the one of the most important parts of a relationship, Communication. 

Here is the bad part most people don’t know how to communicate, they think communication is talking to be heard. If you want some tips on being a better communicator check out this Communication or this one or this one. Now to Validation, in conversation validation is proving the speaker with recognition that their feelings and opinions are valid. Beyond that one must show a deep understanding of what is being communicated and this usually done by first repeating what was said and then sharing your understanding of what was said….. For example “I understand you were hurt when I said…….. you were left feeling…… and that was wrong on my part and I apologize.” This is showing understanding, validation and sharing your perspective. The person on the other side will feel valued and understood and communication will be better. Not everyone learned this lesson buy you can, never be afraid to learn. You are responsible.

 

 

 

The battle over patriarchy and how it is being fought is very weird to me. Trust me I think women should have equal rights, same rights, pay, respect, etc as men. At the same time I can’t help but notice the way they are going about achieving this is similar to the complaints of some as it relates to how white males have been gaining and maintaining this power.  The urban dictionary defines BDE as “confidence without cockiness. it is never misplaced and it cannot be simulated”  funny thing is in my travels there are a lot of black women who already exude this energy.  Also if you are spending time bashing and “taking down” men why would you want to exude their energy? IN the last three years many women have took to men being toxic for even saying hello and noticing them. They have taken to it being feminism…from the way o understood feminism it wasn’t destructive, it wasn’t about separation it was about inclusion, it wasn’t about one group being on top but both sharing the same spotlight.

If women are moving like men and doing things the same exact way then really what is the difference? Hell every side of the wheel gets a turn and this might be the other side of the wheel getting its turn. I have no problem at all with women being in control, i do have a problem if they are seeking to eliminate the idea they can be questioned, pulled to the side, or even have to explain their choices, i am firmly against that, because that is a dictatorship.the only way democracy can function is it with are left with the ability to question our leaders and hold them accountable. In this climate everytime a man wants to ask a question of a women it is seen as trying to enforce some rule over her as opposed to maybe she didn’t explain herself, maybe she doesn’t have all the information, maybe she asked me for something but wasn’t clear and i need confirmation, among a million other things.

Why chase BDE when you have what i like to call Big Clit Energy?? In history white woman have been able to right everyone’s coat tails. In slavery and before it was their white husbands, after slavery they were able to be the lowly victim of a brutal husband. As white men power grew so did their influence over things. When black women fought for their rights they got in their coats tails, often working to becomes the face as opposed to staying in the background. Even now they do the same similar work their husbands have done over the last 5 centuries, work to keep black families apart. I guess my thoughts in finality is for women to find their own name, lane, and do something different from the same thing they complained about, if not then welcome to toxic femininity or toxic female energy. In the end we want new energy not one rooted in any oppression, especially if women know better and want to do better. Just do better which is what we all want.

I would like to admit I am not an expert at communication. I am still learning the ebbs and flows of being effective at listening and replying to each and every aspects brought forth. I do know this, communication is not rooted in “listen to me talk and that it” that is bad communication. Most often folks want to have a “conversation” and that is the type of conversation they proceed to have as opposed to laying the expectations out.  Saying the hard things in conversation is what people find difficult because they only wan to concern themselves with their position. Their position is fine and great but there is another person and unless it is your kid, you can not control what they will do. I feel you can ask, you can set your expectation, desire, or need out there and hope they can make it.

See we lie, or stretch the truth because we are unwilling to deal with both sides of the coin. What we really want is to move without problem and as long as you don’t care or don’t fear consequences you can do that all day. if you care there is a level of compromise that must happen. So the lesson here is to communicate, be  different, dare to dream, dare to have better communication and conversations. The alternative is to be unhappy, be disconnected, and be at odds trying to find something to make you happy. Your choice!

One of the things in this change of society i have realized men have to do is LISTEN, Listen a whole lot more. This a a conclusion I have come to along with one of my other friends as we try to learn how to be allies and navigate this new landscape. What we have summised is that both sides need to listen but us males need to listen more and try our best to make better choices. For myself I have figured that in order for us all to live a better harmonious life, we all need help.

The reason I say this is because there is a level of toxicity that the patriarchy has left on women that even if men change will still exist inside of them and it can become triggering. See on paper the way this thing is presented is that if women had more control and more of an influence then the world would be better…(i know that appears to be a over simplification) but go with me. The one solid thing they have been protected against int his world is their ego. See in the end the truth of the matter is there are some things in this patriarchy they don;t want to let go of like paying for dinners, being taken care of on bills,  and the level of humility and consideration that happens when better men deal with women. Another big one is having to approach men and ask them on dates. For all those  reading this have you ever seen the vitriol that is fringed when a woman approaches a man and shows interest?

Here is a sample of a conversation I had witnessed:

Woman: Hello how my doing my name is Alice, you look nice can I call you sometime?

Man: Hi Alice, my name is Dave. I appreciate your interest but I am happily married and i wouldn’t want to disrespect my wife.

Woman/: (Storming off to her friends) He probably got a small dick and my gaydar went off.

Very toxic!!!

I have witnessed many more interactions like that. In addition one of the focal points of this post is the communication portion. As much as patriarchy had other men making men stir away from emotions so have women. I have been witness to a man trying to share his grievance and his wife saying “stop crying like a bitch” or “your feelings don;t matter anyway” I have also been witness to another women in an effort to not take responsibility for her misdeeds tell her husband “thats why you mother abandoned you”  what type of person would go to the well and bring up the deep secrets that will hurt a person they claim to love to win a small fight? She never sought to validate him or any concern with his emotions just win and obliterate and the funny thing is if he would have turned and walked out the door she threaten to call the police and say he hit her then abandoned her;…. this is ego right there. See in this climate you can;t pull them to the side and point out a mistake or their level of toxic behavior and seek to have a good conversation or to gain validation because “I don’t owe you validation” and there is no one checking them on this, no one showing them there is a better way. This is why communication courses need to be taken to learn validation and how to have the hard conversations. We all need work and to be able to see everyone’s point of view from a sober place

at least if we are going to achieve what we seek to achieve.