So this post is going to be an honest and open look. I want to get back to advising which I will, and I have something cool coming up as well. This is going to be a streaming thought so excuse any mistakes.

 

I had a conversation with a friend of about a decade. She told me in no uncertain terms that I am a bit of a disappointment. She said that, “I was all of my friends motivation, if i made it then it was sure they were going to make it.” Wow that was news to me.  Let me tell you something deeply personal about me, when I was 16 years old i found out my mother was dying and had been in the process of dying since 1989. Everyone in my family knew except me. Turns out my mothers made them promise not to tell me, and then someone relented and told me 4 years before her death in 2002. She later told me when the doctor came in an announced it, she told me that she didn’t want me to think ill of her because of it to which i understood. She was an awesome parent to that point anyway. From the age of 16 until her death when I was 20yrs old I was by her side even more than before, I became her doctor, her nurse, her go for, her assistant, her chef, and anything else she needed. she wanted me to go away to school i think because her impending death was on the horizon. I tanked the S.A.T.s so that i could stay home. She needed me and I knew it, she wouldn’t let any other family member around. At the same time I had a little brother that was 8 years younger than me, he was sick as well. So when one was in the hospital I took care of the other, and when they both were in I went back and forth between hospitals school, and work. I entered college on time at a local university i could commute to from home.  When my mother passed, I took on my lil brother who was 13 yrs old at the time. I guided him for 5 years while I worked and pursued my education, as well as supplementing my education with reading and whatever tools I could make available. I had nights where i would be in an emergency room for 16 hours only to get up and goo to school the next day. Within this same amount of time, my grand mother who was helping me some with my brother became ill, and didn’t want anyone to know she was ill. I took care of her as well as running to school work, and the hospital with this kid. He died at 18 years old and I was 1 yr away from completing college. I finished in the midst of my grief, my grandmother and her issues were handed off to her kids and I focused on school and as I finished. I grieved finally.

I am not one to compare myself with anyone else at all, but the “friends” who were counting on me to make it didn’t have to goo through that in all actuality they were partying it up, drinking, traveling, and doing all the things i wanted for myself  while i studied and found minimal time to enjoy small things like a new video game, or some cool writing. So why count on me? why make me the measuring stick for success of the group of friends?? These friends had all the time and opportunity in the world. I am not sitting on a soapbox at all saying whoa is me and my story is so tragic etc, I am simply asking a question about me being the measuring stick? when they have parents more successful, when they had access to the best schools, and all the time in the world i didn’t how fair is it to call me a failure because my life didn’t allow for me to spend my late teens and early to mid 20’s pushing, chasing, and wanting my dreams to come true?

 

I guess it’s just one of those honest thoughts I had. Thanks for checking it out. My recommendations do you, you’re the only person worth comparing yourself to anyway…..

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