Doing Better

I am so glad that in SOME cases we are collectively doing better by each other in this society. There is still so much work to be done. We are seeking to balance the interactions between men and women, there is a desire to seek to balance by doing what was done to the other side. This is not balance thats revenge, balance is seeking to close the gap between the wrong by coming to an understanding and resolving to make better choices. We can’t walk around like we all know what to do when no one is speaking about the problems and a willingness to solve those problems.

I was looking at a movie the other day about the expanding or evolution of technology and it made me realize something humans by and large are narcissist’s. We create things like children that we can’t control and then when it does something we couldn’t stop, before we see reason we go to beat them or get them back into the control that makes us feel comfortable. The same thing can be said for perspectives like art; we can agree that everyone has their own perspective of what they see and understand but then we argue if one person is right or not.

I know someone reading this would wonder the stance of racism or sexism or something of that nature. I feel those things are systematic and can be proven without a shadow of doubt. We understand there some instances where a person wasn’t treated in a racist manner, but if one out of 10 were treated fair then I would assume we understand the point of this. I remember a teacher treating one of the black kids in the class so well, and every time we bought up how bad she treated the other 25 of us, she would point to the one person she treated great. This is no different than hiring the one one black person or one female, the token. This is a game to distract, because in the end we need to do better as a society. We need to listen more, talk less, listen not to hear but to understand, to see a perspective that is not our own. We need to realize seeing this perspective does not invalidate us, it opens the door to more understanding. I mean I hope, I really want us to understand one another and get to a place of being the best version of ourselves.

Forgiveness

I think I have unlocked one of the biggest issues of our society right now, Forgiveness.  I know I know you are super puzzled but let me take you one layer deeper into the rabbit hole.. the problem of forgiveness is rooted in the issue of FEAR! BOOM!!

Okay let me explain it all to you from the bottom, We all have an association with fear from a scary movie, a parent a punishment, whatever. the thing about fear is the it is usually used to prevent us from making the same mistake again i.e. touching a hot pot on the stove, now we check to see if its on.  In this new climate we have an even closer association with fear and that can range from fear of missing out to fear of being hurt again. Here is the problem with that fear it is turning into a place where we are unwilling to give anything a second chance. We are unwilling to try, unwilling to experience again and unwilling to forgive. The United States used to be known as the land of second chances, now you barely get a first chance. I get it one misstep can be dire for someone, i understand that, but you have to remember we all didn’t grow up the same, a misstep in your universe might be a small pebbled in mine. This is where forgiveness and communication comes into play.

Now our fear because of our experiences usually have us in a place where we don’t wan to experience an action again, so now our existence is all about avoiding pain. The way this is done is by keeping people on a short cord, for example one mistake and you ghost them without even explanation and it is justified because you want to protect yourself. Here is the thing, you could have protected yourself in another way by sitting the person down and explaining to them you have certain issues or even going into a doctors office and seeking help to reach a middle ground where you can look at and evaluate actions in a more neutral way. See we don;t seek neutral because of our fear of change and of failure.  Now this leads back to the problem of forgiveness, we are so broken, so hurt that carrying hurt is now popular. Look at the trend in the music and move industry of revealing trauma right before a new record of movie comes out. They never really say how they dealt with or are dealing with it and you want to know why…..there is a stigma about getting help and dealing with life from a mental and emotional healthy place. So on one hand we will tell you hurt people hurt people but then we won’t seek help.

Now here is the thing this fear ensures we don;t have forgiveness and this lack of forgiveness translates to the public and the cancel culture. We don’t even entertain the idea these people should be forgiven, have learned a lesson, and are in a better place. The people who are in the middle ground, who are open to forgiveness say they need it to be proven to them but never explain how that happens, they say they would just know. So what people need to know is how to approach forgiveness. so here are some tips:

First take responsibility for your part… even if it someone you don’t know ask yourself..”am I being fair or am I biased here?”

Second are you willing to let it go? You have to ask yourself if it is even possible to let the incident go?

third let go of resentments you have feel some type of way and know that there is a problem, so let it all go. release.

fourth approach the person and communicate your issues and wrongs you felt were done to you.

fifth explain what you need from them.

these are loose of course but they are bare bones and I hope they can provide you with a direction to move forward and be a more complete person.

Men & Women and Communication Pt. 2

I wrote about this subject previously and you can check that out here  there maybe others but I am sure you just check the tags to be sure.

Since then I have seen a few things and learned a few things. One of the things I have learned is that this is not a balance of two superpowers when it comes to communication, this is a heavyweight and a light weight. While yes I am well aware there needs to be a change and a level of understanding and validation it needs to go both ways. Let me explain what is happening right now.

In most cases, there are some outliers here and there or some voices louder than others and your experiences may vary.

HeteroMen: Trying to understand the landscape, often going to far as it relates to not offend but since they have no pathway other than “don”t be a douche” they are the blind.

Hetreowomen: spending a lot of time reminding men how hurt they are, how trash men are, and how its not their responsibility to help in figuring out how to navigate.

Big problem here is if the world is broken, then  don;t both sides need to change in an effort to fix all the things broken?

See there has to be a pathway opened by both parties i.e. when you are not in the mood or best place to talk then be willing to walk away not yell your way through conversations and put someone down because winning and being heard is more important than having the conversation.

Part of the reason we are not having these conversations and having successful ones is because we have having long distance relationships in person. I know I know You are probably scratching your heads but consider this when was the last time you had a full fledged meaningful conversation with your partner or a friend not over text or IM? There are people who would be in the couch next to each other watching a show and as opposed to saying “Hey I love you” they would text it to their partner. I personally deal with more women than anyone else but I Know this can be examined and proven in other relationships.

Going back to an earlier point of creating comfortable places to have conversations. What most women don;t know about men is that when they were little boys all their heard was “be a man, don’t cry” “big boys don’t cry” or something or the sort. So now as grown men expressing their emotions is complicated and complex. Now some men come into these relationships with women who grew up the same way and treat the man when he is trying to share how he feels like an inconvenience, afterthought, or he doesn’t have the right to feel anything. So this is a continuation of the same cycle from when he was a kid. Lets take it a step further in this climate there is so much attention paid to mental and emotional health yet alot of the emotional toxic behavior is exhibited by the women who are closest to us men. Ladies consider being in a heated discussion with your mate and using that deep insecurity just to shut him down or up, he told you something in confidence and from a place of trusting you to take care of his emotions and to win an argument you violated it. There is no coming back, no unringing a bell, and the funny thing is it would have been easy to just take a step back and say you will come back to it later.  This sis where communication falls off at. Trust me this is not limited to women a lot of men do this all the same, they gaslight and play victim.

I would encourage you to first do the homework and understand your triggers and why they are triggers. Next to do the work to solve the problem, the root of those triggers. Try to adopt new techniques to handle yourself emotionally and to respond in a better way. When you see your partner remember you love them and they are not an enemy and should not be treated as such, even if they act like that towards you. You can always walk away and try again another day. Lastly setting new boundaries or standards so you can control yourself emotionally is perfectly okay and encouraged.

One bonus tip: maybe this is cliche or whatever but i was looking at an episode of how I met your mothers and two of the characters Lilly and Marshall literally would call time out in the middle of arguments. They would pause it, do the other stuff they need to do and come back to the argument. I know I know I know its fiction.

so

Bonus tip 2: This is one I used, I called it therapy.. when enacted by either party it was just like a therapy session without the person in the middle. Both people can say whatever without the fear of judgement and the real work to fix the emotions and everything attached to it would be done in that moment. Before everything is closed  you ask to ensure the person feels validated, heard, understood, and got everything out and then together you close the session. If you feel you need tips on validation check out this post.

Be easy people

 

Greatest Relationship lesson ( Validation)

If you are anything like me, you have been in a few relationships. As you move out of the teens and early 20’s relationships become deeper, more meaningful and even more impactful. As much as I thought I handled things above board, fair, and a balance of emotional and logical, I was failing in one area. This area is the one love language everyone should speak, Validation. Validation is a subset of the one of the most important parts of a relationship, Communication. 

Here is the bad part most people don’t know how to communicate, they think communication is talking to be heard. If you want some tips on being a better communicator check out this Communication or this one or this one. Now to Validation, in conversation validation is proving the speaker with recognition that their feelings and opinions are valid. Beyond that one must show a deep understanding of what is being communicated and this usually done by first repeating what was said and then sharing your understanding of what was said….. For example “I understand you were hurt when I said…….. you were left feeling…… and that was wrong on my part and I apologize.” This is showing understanding, validation and sharing your perspective. The person on the other side will feel valued and understood and communication will be better. Not everyone learned this lesson buy you can, never be afraid to learn. You are responsible.

 

 

 

Communication?

I would like to admit I am not an expert at communication. I am still learning the ebbs and flows of being effective at listening and replying to each and every aspects brought forth. I do know this, communication is not rooted in “listen to me talk and that it” that is bad communication. Most often folks want to have a “conversation” and that is the type of conversation they proceed to have as opposed to laying the expectations out.  Saying the hard things in conversation is what people find difficult because they only wan to concern themselves with their position. Their position is fine and great but there is another person and unless it is your kid, you can not control what they will do. I feel you can ask, you can set your expectation, desire, or need out there and hope they can make it.

See we lie, or stretch the truth because we are unwilling to deal with both sides of the coin. What we really want is to move without problem and as long as you don’t care or don’t fear consequences you can do that all day. if you care there is a level of compromise that must happen. So the lesson here is to communicate, be  different, dare to dream, dare to have better communication and conversations. The alternative is to be unhappy, be disconnected, and be at odds trying to find something to make you happy. Your choice!

Validation and Sensitive Men

One of the things in this change of society i have realized men have to do is LISTEN, Listen a whole lot more. This a a conclusion I have come to along with one of my other friends as we try to learn how to be allies and navigate this new landscape. What we have summised is that both sides need to listen but us males need to listen more and try our best to make better choices. For myself I have figured that in order for us all to live a better harmonious life, we all need help.

The reason I say this is because there is a level of toxicity that the patriarchy has left on women that even if men change will still exist inside of them and it can become triggering. See on paper the way this thing is presented is that if women had more control and more of an influence then the world would be better…(i know that appears to be a over simplification) but go with me. The one solid thing they have been protected against int his world is their ego. See in the end the truth of the matter is there are some things in this patriarchy they don;t want to let go of like paying for dinners, being taken care of on bills,  and the level of humility and consideration that happens when better men deal with women. Another big one is having to approach men and ask them on dates. For all those  reading this have you ever seen the vitriol that is fringed when a woman approaches a man and shows interest?

Here is a sample of a conversation I had witnessed:

Woman: Hello how my doing my name is Alice, you look nice can I call you sometime?

Man: Hi Alice, my name is Dave. I appreciate your interest but I am happily married and i wouldn’t want to disrespect my wife.

Woman/: (Storming off to her friends) He probably got a small dick and my gaydar went off.

Very toxic!!!

I have witnessed many more interactions like that. In addition one of the focal points of this post is the communication portion. As much as patriarchy had other men making men stir away from emotions so have women. I have been witness to a man trying to share his grievance and his wife saying “stop crying like a bitch” or “your feelings don;t matter anyway” I have also been witness to another women in an effort to not take responsibility for her misdeeds tell her husband “thats why you mother abandoned you”  what type of person would go to the well and bring up the deep secrets that will hurt a person they claim to love to win a small fight? She never sought to validate him or any concern with his emotions just win and obliterate and the funny thing is if he would have turned and walked out the door she threaten to call the police and say he hit her then abandoned her;…. this is ego right there. See in this climate you can;t pull them to the side and point out a mistake or their level of toxic behavior and seek to have a good conversation or to gain validation because “I don’t owe you validation” and there is no one checking them on this, no one showing them there is a better way. This is why communication courses need to be taken to learn validation and how to have the hard conversations. We all need work and to be able to see everyone’s point of view from a sober place

at least if we are going to achieve what we seek to achieve.

Dangerous Society

Our society is in a dangerous place, where on one hand people deserve to be punish for their “crimes” or the injustices directed to another and on the other hand that justice needs to be measured. Where our society is currently, we are in theory giving the death penalty for every crime. What this creates is people going the complete distance on their crimes since they know the death penalty is coming anyway. I mean ask yourself should someone lose their job and have sexual predator attached to their name for saying in inappropriate joke? I am using the rules of inappropriate set forth by the company not society… the answer is NO!

There should be a scale of punishment that escalates based on offense because guess what people are losing their ability to feed their family without a pathway to redemption. What do you expect their next move to do? This penalty is equal to death as it is the death of their ability to make money, support their family, have a respected standing in their social circles, over a joke. We call people a predator for a joke, and that is not right. As it is often said the accusation is front page but the clearing of the name is on the 5th pages below the fold.

Social media and the mob mentality has made it so that we are willing to trade people and their livelihood for the likes and adulation of a social mob. Every company should have policy that allows them to investigate and place a person on leave pending that investigation.

See we are so broken, we lack a redemption bone in our body because we feel no one is really redeemable past ourselves. We toss around statements like once a cheater always a cheater like things don’t happen. Hell there are legal tricks of the trade that people use all the time to make someone seem even worse than it really is and we fall for it.

I say we need to learn to take a step back and see the world from a cleaner leans not the painful one we have become accustomed to.

I kinda wish

I kind of wish people would talk about how they feel more often. In this society everyone is sensitive, yet in a joking mood, and yet they keep their close guarded secrets at their vest. So I guess I wish people were willing to be more open and realistic with the thing that are bothering them. You have no idea if you are the only one or your strength could inspire some one else.

You have no idea how many people are suffering in silence for fear no one is listening, for fear no one cares. Reach out to your people and tell them your mental is not all the way there if it is not. Share the love and validation that they might be seeking. You never know how important you are until you reach out. Talk to someone and tell them you love them and why, unprompted and without expectation.