Posts Tagged ‘domestic violence’

I would like to preface this by saying that I love women and everything that comes with women being women. With that being said I have questions, these questions have plagued me a bit over the last year and a half or so and I feel this is my platform to address them. I got into a small debate with my cousin about domestic violence last week. I feel it is wrong to put your hands on a woman, I also find it wrong for a woman to put her hands on a man. His argument was a valid one, basically at the end of the day when a woman puts her hands on a man if she is striking him her blows won’t land with the force his will and in the end not impact his way of life-like his would her, and to that I agree. My side was this, women go into their physical assault knowing the guy is bigger and stronger, she knows if he hits back its going to hurt. Her position is that is he isn’t willing to risk the consequences of putting his hands on her because these consequences are severe in nature. What you must know is that a mans name being associated with abuse or rape basically ends it for him, true or not. My thing is shouldn’t she face some penalty? Now when I address this point in social media they say I am victim blaming. My argument is, if she starts it,, hits him and he defends himself aren’t they both victims? I tie of media acting as if every case of domestic violence is a woman sitting by a fire and a man comes in and goes upside her head for no reason, Does that happen YES.  In the Ray Rice incident the prosecutor declined to file charges against her probably because of how horrid the video was, I agree. What about the cases that are less clean cut and more murky?  Like I feel Solange should have gotten an assault charge for the Jayz elevator incident.

Before I introduce this next point let me add some context to it.  Ray Rice is a young African-American man with only a single known incident of anything law breaking in his time in the NFL or before.

Because of Ray Rice the NFL enacted a mandatory 6 game suspension for 1st offenders of domestic violence, they hired women group advocates as well to help in an advisory role.

Recently Josh Brown of the New York Giants a close to 40yr old white kicker, had incidents of domestic violence brought public. Mind you with these incidents knowledge of the team they had no problem giving him another contract knowing he was facing suspension.

He was banned 1 game for violating the NFL personal conduct policy.

After the incident came to light the NFL which a multi billion dollar corp claimed they couldn’t get any information on the previous claims. These claims were in his divorce documents which are public knowledge AND a the previous Pro Bowl the NFL security had to move his family because of him, yet they claim to know nothing, in addition before the season started he went to ownership of the New York Giants and alerted them to the fact his abused his wife on multiple occasions. NO one bats in eye for an aging kicker. This past week the diary, emails, etc where he claims to have done it multiple times came to light and again no one bats an eyes and they were fully willing to let him play in the game in London.

Check out the original article here.

Now the New York Giants claimed he showed a level of contrition and they were concerned about how his family was going to eat as hey depending on his salary. No one gave a dam about Ray Rice’s toddler daughter and family at the time and still don’t, no one has offered to bring him in for a try out. Mind you Ray Rice hid nothing was very public, went to appropriate counseling, and even a step further to a support group, talks to youth about the pitfalls, and advocates for domestic violence causes. He even decided that if he was picked up he would donate his salary to domestic violence charities. He is still young enough to make a difference and he can;t get a single call. His family that now has a second child needs to eat as well. There is a level of fairness that needs to happen here. They slander that man all over the place for half a year and made him toxic and didn’t consider his family and he cooperated fully. There is a problem and it needs to be rooted in fairness.

Before I start with this post, I sat with a group on 10 woman over the past 3 weekends. We had a discussion group because hey I am a man and I can admit I don’t know all and don’t really want to know all. The most prevalent question I had about domestic violence and how the world looked at it. As expected some women had their personal experience with it and were more emotional than anything which I respect more than you know. Then I asked them for some rules for men to survive and it seemed like they all could agree on the few I am going to share with you. Before that I feel I must warn you, IF THIS IS A SENSITIVE SUBJECT OR YOU FEEL THAT YOU WILL BE MISREPRESENTED OR DISRESPECTED PLEASE TURN AROUND NOW Again these are just some of the things from the list that is not my list or show my beliefs on the matter.

 

1.) Society recognizes you as a “big, strong, man”

2.) No matter what happens its your fault

3.) No matter if she locks you in a room and stands in front the door you are supposed to walk away

4.) If she is threatening you with physical harm with a weapon you are NEVER supposed to hit her

5.) If you walk away and she chases you down and hits you with a weapon remember its your fault for walking away and provoking her to chase you down.

6.) If she comes home from a bad day and starts to verbally, emotionally, and physically abuse you its your fault because you didn’t get her out of a situation that would cause that.

7.) The most important thing to remember there is no way this is not your fault.

8.) Her beating on you is not a crime, its her letting off frustration that you probably caused.

9.) if you report it to the police they will probably take you away from the home to a friend’s house for the night and laugh at you for getting beat on by a woman and not controlling your house.

10.) Even if someone witnesses the action no one will believe she is beating on you for no reason, so way you caused this to happen.

11.) It doesn’t matter that Ray Rice wife was charging at him and that she hit her head on the elevator bar in everyone’s eyes he knocked her out

12.) As a big strong man her emotional, and mental abuse should not affect you at all, if she threatens to hurt the kids or herself then you should still be man enough to walk away from a situation like that.

13.) Remember you can’t shake, push her, or restrain her under no circumstances that is punishable by law.

14.) Domestic violence only goes one way.

First I need to say I AM NOT A PROPONENT FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!

 

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!

IF you can’t have a healthy mature conversation about it and read objectively then this post is not for you.

 

I have been holding this post because I had a video to go with it but i can’t locate the video so I decided to change the post. Just really to pose the question What happened to accountability?

Over the past three months we have watched Solange Knowles beat Jay-z on an elevator without any reason coming directly from the source. We heard people blame Jay-z and praise Solange no headlines depicting her as a domestic abuser or anything. IF the situation was reverse the headlines would have been “BIG Gangster Rapper beats on little sister in law” and we as a society would have decimated him.

 

On the other hand we have the Ray Rice situation where his fiance at the time admitted to striking him, there is no video of what happened with the exception of him dragging her out the elevator, this is his first offense on any kind, and no one has force her to take any responsibility yet they are calling for his head. His punishment has been probation, fine, 2 games suspension, a huge hit to his reputation, and public ridicule. In addition us as a society wants him to lose his job, family has no income, and have him leeching off the social services “YEAH THAT WILL TEACH HIM” really? would it?

So we don;t take the same situation with Solange? So a woman hitting  man like shes a dam man is OKAY? its fine? We will all teach our daughters to grown up and put their hands on a man and its okay to do that. I am from a place in time where if someone hits me hit them back, with that being said my mother drew a line and reminded me woman are not to be hit. The thing I want to image is situations if a man is trying to exit a room or a situation while a woman is attacking him physically does he have the right to at the minimum defend himself until he can remove himself? How far can a woman go before he is “allowed” to attach back and retaliate in an effort to defend himself? Should we let her stab a man or slice him before its ok? See I still believe hitting a woman is not the answer I will stand by that until i die, but i do believe if a man is leaving a room that poses danger to both sides let him go, if hes leaving the house let him go, standing in his way and continuing to berate him is not the answer.

 

Just the other day i watched a scene where a woman as fighting with clenched fist a man in the street and no one stepped in and stopped anything, people looked and even shook their head no one stepped in at all. So this is okay? or how about this widely circulating video, this guy did the best he could, he asked her many times to back away and leave and she kept antagonizing him. Then just literally attacked him and he got her off and removed himself. See for all the people looking at a Ray Rice situation this video represents what most men go through before it even gets tot he point his responding. A lot of men I have verbally talked to spoke on this as being an ongoing thing and for their woman to yell, point, spit, hit them for up to 3 hours in some cases, so can you see yourself going through this for three hours with no exit without snapping? So this IS what Stephen A Smith was hinting to with the statement about provoking and this is where I am going with accountability. I hold men accountable for putting there hands on a woman, but shouldn’t she be held accountable for the same? Shouldn;t the same level of seriousness be held for a woman committing this crime as a man? Its not a man is called a punk fr not “putting the woman in check” or even reporting the crime.