#metoo and the conflict with #himtoo

I don’t have a problem with what i understand the foundation of the metoo movement to be; my understanding of the foundation is that women were being mistreated by men using sex as a chip to advance women and their career. The example is jane works as an associate accountant and feels she is in line for the promotion. She goes to the manager or boss and stakes her claim, The manager replies the only way he doing it is if she sleeps with him. Thats what I understand metoo to mean at its foundation and that is WRONG!!!

The problem I had was then other people who were abused or complicit with abuse took the flag and now  any and everything was metoo. Then the arrogance of these people with the loudest voice to say “nah this is only women, stop getting into our conversation”.  How do you monopolize the abuse landscape like it only happens to you?

So these same men who were victims, when and started a #himtoo and was told to go sit in the corner and shut up and stop trying to take the shine away.  Mind you these are the same people who say believe all victims, ALWAYS. These are the same people who say you can’t ask questions and you can’t look to understand on a deeper level, you have to just give sympathy and splash hate on everyone.

Lets be clear everyone who has been abused deserved sympathy and understanding. inside of that there are many women who only see abuse as something that can happen to women only. We have never seen a woman get REAL and SIGNIFICANT time. The only way she get time is if she kills the man historically. Do the research.

There are no resources legit available for men who are being abused. In most cases they are forced to vacate their home and often the emotional abuse, especially if there are kids is never touched on. Any man who has been in an argument with a women has heard the “If you leave I will hurt myself….” or the woman who was “emotional” and put her hands on a man because she was emotional. Abuse or assault is not okay because you are emotional…KEEP YOUR DAM HANDS TO YOURSELF.

It is not okay because you are a woman and he is a man. Use your words, you are responsible for yourself, your mouth, and your hands. As many times as women have been up in my face and finger pointed against me head and yelling on screaming in my ear, spitting ion my face, throwing thing in my direction. I had never wanted to put my hands on her, I wanted to get out of there because I hate being yelled at, my mom never yelled at me. Again go take a walk and release that energy. The response we get is “you know how I am” I am sorry but you are responsible for yourself and “thats how I am” is not an acceptable response when there are so many resources for woman to get help and to work through their emotions and learn how to deal with their emotional work. Deal with your yourself and your emotional trauma like men are expected to…. NO ONE HAS THE RIGHT TO ABUSE ANYONE. Go do the work everyone please.

Open Marriage

This is going to be one of those quick and dirty posts. I haven’t thought it al the way out but i wanted to share. I have reaized many people are either in open marriages by force or in them unknowingly. In this day and age it seems like everyone is falling behind one narrative or another the popular one is “one person can’t be everything to another.” Lets examine that for a second because there is merit there at the same time if your husband/wife can’t be your best friend does that mean your best friend needs to be your lover as well? Since when does having more people in your sphere of friends translate to alternate and additional relationships? There has always been a group of people who participated in this life, usually those of more wealth or in closed communities. Now it is so popular  like tattoos, those who are not in one are in the minority.

So lets look at those who are “bullied” into it for a second. Your partner is out there engaging in situations with other people, eventually you find out and confront them. THis is new information to you so you’re shocked, emotionally spent, and looking to figure out how to move and they take that moment to tell you either accept it because they are not stopping. Right then  and there you have lost a level of security in your relationship, your own pride that you were doing everything right, and now he possibility of losing whats left so of course you are going to accept it. You spend months mourning what you thought was the relationships you were in, and your partner is living it up. They agree you could do the same thing they are doing but you have been out the game for how ever many years, you don;t have a backup book or anything so you are starting from scratch and don;t even know how to move in that arena. Somewhere deep down you are hoping if you make this choice you may get them back like they were and this is about making them happy and as a dutiful partner thats where your mind is. This is where it is most common in this climate we are in, as a couple a partnership this is a conversation that happens before anyone does anything. The decisions affects the entire family and should be treated as such not left to one to decide.

We life in a selfish get with it, I don’t like consequences place and it sucks.

 

Advisor Speaks – Communication

Lets talk about everything

If woman want to admit it or not they love, love, love to talk. They will give you their entire day and then some. Woman will tell you what 10 other people think or may think before even talking to them. As a man it benefits you to listen and pay attention. The reason why because something in there maybe important for you to note even about your own relationship. She may reveal someone else’s downfall that will aid you in being better. Also she may come to you for advice, a consoling shoulder and you need to be able to respond in a timely manner. The key is to be a great listener and hear what is being said. Not all problems are for the man to fix, repair or make whole, sometimes you are just there to listen and be a comfort. Crazy thing about communication right? lol

Men/Woman/Communicating

I have always found it interesting how men and woman communicate. Men are often the ones with few words, less action, and directness. Woman are full of monologue speeches, They want to be validated and heard. Now The interesting distinction is when a man is talking a woman can interrupt them and tear his whole structure of thought down. When a woman is speaking and a man interrupter’s her we don’t respect her, don’t care what shes saying, and  feel like her point isn’t valid. Woman want a man to be a man, so why is it when we share emotions and information we aren’t “real men” yet at the same time the woman wants us to be open and share our feelings about something. It can be so confusing how, where, and why they say certain things.

I can recall having a conversation recently where I was told I didn’t validate this woman’s P.O.V. on me. The reason why I didn’t off the break was because all I understood was they way she felt no what she was talking about or even what she meant. My questions in an effort to understand seemed to take away from her feeling of validation. So i ask. do you want me to just say “ok?” she replies no. So my questions come in “if I don’t understand, and my questions don’t validate you and make you feel bad, then i shouldn’t ask them and just say “yes, ok” correct? she replied no i want to hear your take and how you feel and all those things. So then I end up being confused and witht he belief she just wants a yes boy basically. Confusion is something and clarity is another.

Men/Woman/communication

Men and woman talk are very different. When it comes to her she will tell you we are team and everything verbally, then when it comes down to action she’ll say. “you’re a man you can handle it.”. When he says we’re a team he’s doing any and everything to make sure they both come out on top.

Funny story…..

I’ll never forget a few years back having a convo with a girl and she asked about the future. She uttered the statement “if we’re together we’re a TEAM.” Me being me I asked what does that mean? She says “if I want to go to school for another degree, my masters, etc u pay for school and the house hold expenses.” In my head “cool” so I ask another question “what if I want to go back would u help out?” Her response was ” You’re a grown man, I’m not supporting a grown man.” I could have died laughing. I’m like where is the dam team?

Interesting thing is this happens every day somewhere.

Thinking

The road less traveled is the that most people who know what they are doing travel.. Which path are you traveling? Ask yourself…

Food for thought – Relationship Edition

I was thinking about something a friend said to me yesterday and I came to this complete thought.

We often are quick to tell a person we are in a relationship with we need more from them. What I’ve found is often the person complaining about wanting more is the person who is usually giving less. Interesting right?

Make sure that if you are requiring your partner to run or jog, you are at least keeping pace. Your criticisms or “need” may end up pointing out the glaring hole in the distribution of what’s being given. The right thing is if you arn’t giving alot to the situation now you’re exposed. Get it together and have beautiful relationships.