Communication?

I would like to admit I am not an expert at communication. I am still learning the ebbs and flows of being effective at listening and replying to each and every aspects brought forth. I do know this, communication is not rooted in “listen to me talk and that it” that is bad communication. Most often folks want to have a “conversation” and that is the type of conversation they proceed to have as opposed to laying the expectations out.  Saying the hard things in conversation is what people find difficult because they only wan to concern themselves with their position. Their position is fine and great but there is another person and unless it is your kid, you can not control what they will do. I feel you can ask, you can set your expectation, desire, or need out there and hope they can make it.

See we lie, or stretch the truth because we are unwilling to deal with both sides of the coin. What we really want is to move without problem and as long as you don’t care or don’t fear consequences you can do that all day. if you care there is a level of compromise that must happen. So the lesson here is to communicate, be  different, dare to dream, dare to have better communication and conversations. The alternative is to be unhappy, be disconnected, and be at odds trying to find something to make you happy. Your choice!

Validation and Sensitive Men

One of the things in this change of society i have realized men have to do is LISTEN, Listen a whole lot more. This a a conclusion I have come to along with one of my other friends as we try to learn how to be allies and navigate this new landscape. What we have summised is that both sides need to listen but us males need to listen more and try our best to make better choices. For myself I have figured that in order for us all to live a better harmonious life, we all need help.

The reason I say this is because there is a level of toxicity that the patriarchy has left on women that even if men change will still exist inside of them and it can become triggering. See on paper the way this thing is presented is that if women had more control and more of an influence then the world would be better…(i know that appears to be a over simplification) but go with me. The one solid thing they have been protected against int his world is their ego. See in the end the truth of the matter is there are some things in this patriarchy they don;t want to let go of like paying for dinners, being taken care of on bills,  and the level of humility and consideration that happens when better men deal with women. Another big one is having to approach men and ask them on dates. For all those  reading this have you ever seen the vitriol that is fringed when a woman approaches a man and shows interest?

Here is a sample of a conversation I had witnessed:

Woman: Hello how my doing my name is Alice, you look nice can I call you sometime?

Man: Hi Alice, my name is Dave. I appreciate your interest but I am happily married and i wouldn’t want to disrespect my wife.

Woman/: (Storming off to her friends) He probably got a small dick and my gaydar went off.

Very toxic!!!

I have witnessed many more interactions like that. In addition one of the focal points of this post is the communication portion. As much as patriarchy had other men making men stir away from emotions so have women. I have been witness to a man trying to share his grievance and his wife saying “stop crying like a bitch” or “your feelings don;t matter anyway” I have also been witness to another women in an effort to not take responsibility for her misdeeds tell her husband “thats why you mother abandoned you”  what type of person would go to the well and bring up the deep secrets that will hurt a person they claim to love to win a small fight? She never sought to validate him or any concern with his emotions just win and obliterate and the funny thing is if he would have turned and walked out the door she threaten to call the police and say he hit her then abandoned her;…. this is ego right there. See in this climate you can;t pull them to the side and point out a mistake or their level of toxic behavior and seek to have a good conversation or to gain validation because “I don’t owe you validation” and there is no one checking them on this, no one showing them there is a better way. This is why communication courses need to be taken to learn validation and how to have the hard conversations. We all need work and to be able to see everyone’s point of view from a sober place

at least if we are going to achieve what we seek to achieve.

Double Standards

 

I hope you took a moment to read that because it is what inspired my post. This post was made on a friend of a friends facebook page. It got me thinking after I read it. I thought back to every girl in my 20’s who dissed me and treat me like crap because I was raised a decent young man by my mother. I recently had a conversation with a young lady who told me all a woman needs is to feel loved, secure, and protected. I know some of those have break down and sub categories and all that I am well aware.

After reading the above post, I was confronted with reflecting on my past and looking at some on tv. There was a tv show I was watching where the man was providing all of those things and the woman still cheated… her reason she felt “lonely”. Now that reason in her mind was supposed to make it okay, she explained it that he was working a bunch of hours and she was lonely…. Now let me get this straight s I can understand. The man was supposed to protect you and make you feel secure and spend all day everyday with you? So how do you eat? how do you live in the nice house? How do you drive the nice car? A woman will say she doesn’t need it, yet point out al the people wh have one and how nice it is and would be to have….

 

Now lets flip this on its side and look at it from the other side if this was a man and he did it, there would be panty protesters in the street dam near rioting because  he doesn’t respect her and who she is in his life etc. IT IS NOT OKAY TO BE TREATED LIKE CRAP AND CHEATED ON. No matter man or woman it is selfish Why aren’t there as many groups keeping it real. She really wants to have her cake and eat it too and she will sleep with a dude in her husband’s bed and let him sleep in the sweaty sheets.

 

I feel there is a disproportionate need of what is required for each sex to bring to a relationship. A man has  to make a woman smile, laugh, feel secure, etc and all she has to do is show up and look pretty. He has to maintain everything he does for real fear of being replaced and she can coast and if he complains its sexist and he doesn’t understand.

I was listening to a podcast earlier in the week where woman bragged bout getting over on a guy and how hard she fought to be right, she didn’t even want to concede once she got caught doing the selfish act. She wanted to fight to be right and as a man we can’t call them on it. This double standards……..

Real Talk – Accountability

First I need to say I AM NOT A PROPONENT FOR DOMESTIC VIOLENCE!!

 

WARNING!!!!!!!!!!!

IF you can’t have a healthy mature conversation about it and read objectively then this post is not for you.

 

I have been holding this post because I had a video to go with it but i can’t locate the video so I decided to change the post. Just really to pose the question What happened to accountability?

Over the past three months we have watched Solange Knowles beat Jay-z on an elevator without any reason coming directly from the source. We heard people blame Jay-z and praise Solange no headlines depicting her as a domestic abuser or anything. IF the situation was reverse the headlines would have been “BIG Gangster Rapper beats on little sister in law” and we as a society would have decimated him.

 

On the other hand we have the Ray Rice situation where his fiance at the time admitted to striking him, there is no video of what happened with the exception of him dragging her out the elevator, this is his first offense on any kind, and no one has force her to take any responsibility yet they are calling for his head. His punishment has been probation, fine, 2 games suspension, a huge hit to his reputation, and public ridicule. In addition us as a society wants him to lose his job, family has no income, and have him leeching off the social services “YEAH THAT WILL TEACH HIM” really? would it?

So we don;t take the same situation with Solange? So a woman hitting  man like shes a dam man is OKAY? its fine? We will all teach our daughters to grown up and put their hands on a man and its okay to do that. I am from a place in time where if someone hits me hit them back, with that being said my mother drew a line and reminded me woman are not to be hit. The thing I want to image is situations if a man is trying to exit a room or a situation while a woman is attacking him physically does he have the right to at the minimum defend himself until he can remove himself? How far can a woman go before he is “allowed” to attach back and retaliate in an effort to defend himself? Should we let her stab a man or slice him before its ok? See I still believe hitting a woman is not the answer I will stand by that until i die, but i do believe if a man is leaving a room that poses danger to both sides let him go, if hes leaving the house let him go, standing in his way and continuing to berate him is not the answer.

 

Just the other day i watched a scene where a woman as fighting with clenched fist a man in the street and no one stepped in and stopped anything, people looked and even shook their head no one stepped in at all. So this is okay? or how about this widely circulating video, this guy did the best he could, he asked her many times to back away and leave and she kept antagonizing him. Then just literally attacked him and he got her off and removed himself. See for all the people looking at a Ray Rice situation this video represents what most men go through before it even gets tot he point his responding. A lot of men I have verbally talked to spoke on this as being an ongoing thing and for their woman to yell, point, spit, hit them for up to 3 hours in some cases, so can you see yourself going through this for three hours with no exit without snapping? So this IS what Stephen A Smith was hinting to with the statement about provoking and this is where I am going with accountability. I hold men accountable for putting there hands on a woman, but shouldn’t she be held accountable for the same? Shouldn;t the same level of seriousness be held for a woman committing this crime as a man? Its not a man is called a punk fr not “putting the woman in check” or even reporting the crime.

Learning about Love

There comes a time in a man’s life when he realizes he is dedicating too much time to the love of his life. He has put her and her needs ahead of his own. While I don’t believe it is a mistake by any means, I do believe it is an imbalance especially if she is unwilling to do the same for him. I feel the same if the inverse is true (so ladies chill). I have had an experience recently that shed light on this, and made me see that the subject is worth thinking on. It is not worth it to invest so much of yourself and so much time into another person if they can’t be bothered to do the same for you in return. I know I am not doing it to get things back in return, but I am hoping that as we are sharing similar feelings something like the same can be returned. As we all know the social norm is that a relationship is 50/50 but the truth is usually it is more like 60/40 or 80/20. This could be as simple as the man not doing anything for her but she does everything for him. Her dedicating her life to him and getting nothing in return and that is a crappy balance in my humble opinion.

Hey guys just because you put food on the table that does not equal a healthy balance in the relationship department. Sometimes we have to go the extra mile; it is a need for balance for a relationship to survive. I guess this is why so many people go for open relationships because they have a need to have more from other people since their significant other can’t/won’t deliver. The other possibility is there is a cup that really doesn’t have a bottom so there is no way their significant other can fill it or any other person really so they keep tossing people and things in the hole. That’s the interesting thing, we dedicate so much of ourselves to a person we love and it turns out to be a dam joke. NO love isn’t a joke but the dance we have with it and around it is so comical. Love is the exchange of a connection spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical this connection is strengthened and weakened by the bonds of people who really care for one another. I was taught by a very wise man in my life when I was young that “Love means to share with, to care for, and protect” when you care for someone you are willing to do whatever you can for them, you are willing to protect them, and willing to share with them. Growing up you don’t really understand what love is and how it affects you. I remember there is this movie call The Brothers which stars Morris Chestnut, D.L. Hughley, Bill Bellamy, and Shemar Moore, and there is this scene where Morris’s girlfriend shares a belief that if a man is in love with you he will share his last with you. She asks him if he will eat the last chicken wing and he does, later in the movie she said “there isn’t any more cake,” and he turns and offers his last piece and she knew. Love isn’t what he say and how we say it, it is not just what we make it but also how we make it, how we express it and how we show it to those we claim to love and that are important to us by our own definition.

When we speak about our love some of us say love so freely we don’t even understand that while love is free the weight attached to it isn’t, the power we are giving to that person isn’t, and there are so many people out there looking to take advantage of that. So I leave you with the thought, are you in love and do you know what it really is?

Marriage Advice

I was trolling on the internet and ran into this, i read the entire thing and i hope you do as well and i hope that the information serves you well. It is specifically geared towards men but I am sure woman could find a lace of reference in here as well.

MARRIAGE ADVICE ………..FROM A FAN……..

Obviously, I’m not a relationship expert. But there’s something about my divorce being finalized this week that gives me perspective of things I wish I would have done different… After losing a woman that I loved, and a marriage of almost 16 years, here’s the advice I wish I would have had…

1) Never stop courting. Never stop dating. NEVER EVER take that woman for granted. When you asked her to marry you, you promised to be that man that would OWN HER HEART and to fiercely protect it. This is the most important and sacred treasure you will ever be entrusted with. SHE CHOSE YOU. Never forget that, and NEVER GET LAZY in your love.

2) PROTECT YOUR OWN HEART. Just as you committed to being the protector of her heart, you must guard your own with the same vigilance. Love yourself fully, love the world openly, but there is a special place in your heart where no one must enter except for your wife. Keep that space always ready to receive her and invite her in, and refuse to let anyone or anything else enter there.

3) FALL IN LOVE OVER and OVER and OVER again. You will constantly change. You’re not the same people you were when you got married, and in five years you will not be the same person you are today. Change will come, and in that you have to re-choose each other everyday. SHE DOESN’T HAVE TO STAY WITH YOU, and if you don’t take care of her heart, she may give that heart to someone else or seal you out completely, and you may never be able to get it back. Always fight to win her love just as you did when you were courting her.

4) ALWAYS SEE THE BEST in her. Focus only on what you love. What you focus on will expand. If you focus on what bugs you, all you will see is reasons to be bugged. If you focus on what you love, you can’t help but be consumed by love. Focus to the point where you can no longer see anything but love, and you know without a doubt that you are the luckiest man on earth to be have this woman as your wife.

5) IT’S NOT YOUR JOB TO CHANGE OR FIX HER… your job is to love her as she is with no expectation of her ever changing. And if she changes, love what she becomes, whether it’s what you wanted or not.

6) TAKE FULL ACCOUNTABILITY for your own emotions: It’s not your wife’s job to make you happy, and she CAN’T make you sad. You are responsible for finding your own happiness, and through that your joy will spill over into your relationship and your love.

7) NEVER BLAME your wife If YOU get frustrated or angry at her, it is only because it is triggering something inside of YOU. They are YOUR emotions, and your responsibility. When you feel those feelings take time to get present and to look within and understand what it is inside of YOU that is asking to be healed. You were attracted to this woman because she was the person best suited to trigger all of your childhood wounds in the most painful way so that you could heal them… when you heal yourself, you will no longer be triggered by her, and you will wonder why you ever were.

Allow your woman to JUST BE. When she’s sad or upset, it’s not your job to fix it, it’s your job to HOLD HER and let her know it’s ok. Let her know that you hear her, and that she’s important and that you are that pillar on which she can always lean. The feminine spirit is about change and emotion and like a storm her emotions will roll in and out, and as you remain strong and unjudging she will trust you and open her soul to you… DON’T RUN-AWAY WHEN SHE’S UPSET. Stand present and strong and let her know you aren’t going anywhere. Listen to what she is really saying behind the words and emotion.

9) BE SILLY… don’t take yourself so damn seriously. Laugh. And make her laugh. Laughter makes everything else easier.

10) FILL HER SOUL EVERYDAY… learn her love languages and the specific ways that she feels important and validated and CHERISHED. Ask her to create a list of 10 THINGS that make her feel loved and memorize those things and make it a priority everyday to make her feel like a queen.

11) BE PRESENT. Give her not only your time, but your focus, your attention and your soul. Do whatever it takes to clear your head so that when you are with her you are fully WITH HER. Treat her as you would your most valuable client. She is.

12) BE WILLING TO TAKE HER SEXUALLY, to carry her away in the power of your masculine presence, to consume her and devour her with your strength, and to penetrate her to the deepest levels of her soul. Let her melt into her feminine softness as she knows she can trust you fully.

13) DON’T BE AN IDIOT…. And don’t be afraid of being one either. You will make mistakes and so will she. Try not to make too big of mistakes, and learn from the ones you do make. You’re not supposed to be perfect, just try to not be too stupid.

14) GIVE HER SPACE… The woman is so good at giving and giving, and sometimes she will need to be reminded to take time to nurture herself. Sometimes she will need to fly from your branches to go and find what feeds her soul, and if you give her that space she will come back with new songs to sing…. (okay, getting a little too poetic here, but you get the point. Tell her to take time for herself, ESPECIALLY after you have kids. She needs that space to renew and get re-centered, and to find herself after she gets lost in serving you, the kids and the world.)

15) BE VULNERABLE… you don’t have to have it all together. Be willing to share your fears and feelings, and quick to acknowledge your mistakes.

16) BE FULLY TRANSPARENT. If you want to have trust you must be willing to share EVERYTHING… Especially those things you don’t want to share. It takes courage to fully love, to fully open your heart and let her in when you don’t know i she will like what she finds… Part of that courage is allowing her to love you completely, your darkness as well as your light. DROP THE MASK… If you feel like you need to wear a mask around her, and show up perfect all the time, you will never experience the full dimension of what love can be.

17) NEVER STOP GROWING TOGETHER… The stagnant pond breeds malaria, the flowing stream is always fresh and cool. Atrophy is the natural process when you stop working a muscle, just as it is if you stop working on your relationship. Find common goals, dreams and visions to work towards.

18) DON’T WORRY ABOUT MONEY. Money is a game, find ways to work together as a team to win it. It never helps when teammates fight. Figure out ways to leverage both persons strength to win.

19) FORGIVE IMMEDIATELY and focus on the future rather than carrying weight from the past. Don’t let your history hold you hostage. Holding onto past mistakes that either you or she makes, is like a heavy anchor to your marriage and will hold you back. FORGIVENESS IS FREEDOM. Cut the anchor loose and always choose love.

20) ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. ALWAYS CHOOSE LOVE. In the end, this is the only advice you need. If this is the guiding principle through which all your choices is governed, there is nothing that will threaten the happiness of your marriage. Love will always endure.

In the end MARRIAGE isn’t about Happily ever after. It’s about work. And a commitment to grow together and a willingness to continually invest in creating something that can endure eternity. Through that work, the happiness will come.

Marriage is life, and it will bring ups and downs. Embracing all of the cycles and learning to learn from and love each experience will bring the strength and perspective to keep building, one brick at a time.

These are lessons I learned the hard way. These are lessons I learned too late.

But these are lessons I am learning and committed in carrying forward. Truth is, I LOVED being married, and in time, I will get married again, and when I do, I will build it with a foundation that will endure any storm and any amount of time.

If you are reading this and find wisdom in my pain, share it those those young husbands whose hearts are still full of hope, and with those couples you may know who may have forgotten how to love. One of those men may be like I was, and in these hard earned lessons perhaps something will awaken in him and he will learn to be the man his lady has been waiting for.

The woman that told him ‘I do’, and trusted her life with him, has been waiting for this man to step up.

If you are reading this and your marriage isn’t what you want it to be, take 100% responsibility for YOUR PART in marriage, regardless of where your spouse is at, and commit to applying these lessons while there is time.

MEN- THIS IS YOUR CHARGE : Commit to being an EPIC LOVER. There is no greater challenge, and no greater prize. Your woman deserves that from you.

Be the type of husband your wife can’t help but brag about.

Differences

Differences

There are many differences in life. When it comes to marriage and relationships we have goals and a lot of time those goals and dreams are different for different people. I find that in relationships they tend to change over time. When relationships and people in them mature they want different things. This is why in a relationships when someone introduces a drastic change in relationship status for example like cuckold or open marriage.

Okay for those that don’t know what these terms are they are different and I can explain them for you because there are many people that are experienced in these relationships. Cuckold is when a man allows his wife to sleep with woman and he also encourages it to happen and stays faithful in the marriage. Open Marriage a marriage in which each partner is free to enter into extraneous sexual relationships without guilt or jealousy from the other.  They are very tricky to be in. Only the most trusting couples can survive them and only the ones who are the most honest with themselves can be in them and survive.

The key to surviving these is not being so different from your partner; you can’t be so different from your partner in wants and needs. There are rules to the game and you have to discuss these rules to survive in the atmosphere. It is not easy, it is very complicated and very tricky, especially if you are living with the partner, especially if they are dating, and especially I they are dating and you’re not. The partners have to be willing to remember each other, remember the needs and wants of the partner. You have to be weary because there is a chance you can lose the person you are close to, that you love and that you were willing to spend the rest of your life with and for, but the truth is you can’t control that you have to roll with the punches and hope that in the end everyone is happy and safe and cone out on top. Happy figuring out what the differences is for you. The one thing i did regret i didn’t menton was communication. That is key in situations like this because without it, tis probably won’t work for you.

Quick Advice

When speaking to someone you love & respect. It is prudent to listen all the way through their statement and hope and want for the best because sometimes just because something is said or repeated from before it may have a different twist on it then it did before. The truth is it maybe them admitting to something wrong but if you concluded that they want to say and will say before they say it, then you aren’t giving them or yourself a chance to experience something new.